~My Dearest Nana T~

All of you who have read my posts in the past know that Nana T...Theresa, was the "Mom" in my life. She brought me up with all her love and kindness. Slowly, during the past 5 -6 years the decline in her has been heart breaking. I feel I lost the NANA T we knew and loved to an aweful dementia/alsimers disease. She back about 3 weeks ago really started to look bad and was more and more out of it. I left there one Sunday in a full blown sob fest that when I called M I was at a hyperventalating state and had to pull the car over, in the projects b/c I could no longer see from the sobs.....I was glad I was without the boys b/c I know that would totally alarm them. Even in the past I leave there with a heavy heart sad by the fact that she is not totally with us mentally and physically will not do well either. With the holidays coming it pains me to know that she can no longer leave the home to be with us. The last time she came was on her 85th Birthday not 1/07 but 1/06. She has her "gwanda bella" bear from that day. It means how much pretty in Italian. She says pesha sotha...I won't tell ya what that means...lol
She does tell me when I ask her about the bear that sits on her nightstand near her now hospital style bed.Her old one was a regular one now she needs the medical type one. I tought of her all weekend long during our busy running around weekend. I said many times I wish I could go see her ect...We were so swamped this weekend..It is not a short ride but still....I get a call yesterday morn, not the name I want to see on the caller id.....I think in a 10 sec. time it may be about the bill. I amswer and get the worst news I could ever get....NANA T was brought back by the defibulators....Heart goes south...Hyperventalation starts......I can't even get words out.....The nurse tells me when she is stable they will transport her to the hospital ect......OK so she died and she came back? What are you telling me.????
I am not her health care proxy her son is and they could only tell me so much. They need to talk to him...Long long story short...I get intouch with his wife ...blah blah ect ect......So I got a call at 300pm yesterday with a little bit of an update....Her BP went so high heart stopped...Toxins in the blood sent BP that high.....UTI needs to be treated b/c old people can die from that. She has not eaten or drank for a week know. The past 6 mnths she really has not eaten. She is so frail and weak. My heart breaks knowing that I am gonna losse this wonderful mother. I know the day would come and know I will be a basket case. So I talk to my aunt (who is crazy mind you, everyone knows this) she is like this should be easy your mother passed away already you can deal ....AHHHH no ....I can't even put into words the Nana T connection. She knows Paula was not the mother that people dream of...I get it yes she bear me .....but a wonderful caring inconditional loving person RAISED me and that is NANA T! Knowing that she was at deaths door puts me in the sadest state and I can't even tell people the story without wellin gup with tears. It is hard as all hell to even type this. I get it she lives a full healthy for the most part life..We are blessed with that.......I am thankful for the person God put there to help mold me ........I LOVE THIS WOMEN and can't come to accept her passing could be soon. When I am in my own head I hear her voice saying "My Stephie Baby"....or when I was 12 in the department store with Normie "Stephie what is your bra size since you no longer fit into the training ones" ...Yup...thats Nana T......I recall the year I was pregnant with Stephen it was Christmas time and I needed to pick a gift up for Normie and Nana T drove me to the Mall in Saugus. Peabody was too far and the Saugus mall was brand spakin gnew as she said......We got Norma a rice/veggie steamer b/c she was vegistarian for a few years.....She told the cashier how I could not drive b/c of the baby and my best freind did not eat meat and I am her grandaughter and how she is my mother really and how I have a nioce husband. We went to Friendlys after and she told the waiter stuff. Then I was like NANA.....They don;t care....Now I know being a mom just how proud you are to tell anyone who will listen about your pride and joys......I miss her even though she is still on the Earth she is not Nana T like she used to be and I have to come to know she will be in a better place and be with her "Darling Stevie" with the sky blue eyes......Love you Nana and Papa........Love Your "STEPHIE BABY"